I’m having a hard time pinning down the way I’m feeling right now.

This morning I was feeling great and super productive because Yvenson and I had a Skype meeting with the two pharmacists who setup our inventory system. It gave me a chance to reflect back on all that we’ve accomplished this month which felt really great. Their compliments didn’t hurt either. We’ve made a lot of progress towards securing donations as well, which is exciting even if it will take them a while to get here. In the next day or two we’ll have all of our usage data compiled for July which will give us so much information to work with. I setup a google doc with our “wish list” for medication needs for short-term volunteers who are coming down and want to bring a donation with them. It’s really great that we are getting this all into a smooth process.

Then something changed in the afternoon. Despite all the progress, which I am definitely proud of, I can’t help feeling it’s inadequate. I feel like we’re trying to put together a 5,000 piece puzzle and Yvenson and I have found one piece. I’m realizing the enormity of the situation here and how much it takes to make a change. It’s hard when the volunteer doctor comes to us saying he needs meds to treat hypertension and we don’t have them. My sense of responsibility for the warehouse is setting in—I even call it “my warehouse”—and not being able to provide the drugs or supplies we need is not only frustrating, but feels irresponsible. It’s so hard not to spiral it out of control… if the volunteer doctor hadn’t been here, this person wouldn’t even get medical care, what about the hundreds of other people in line that day who weren’t seen, what about the ones who didn’t know we had clinic that day, or even worse the ones who were too sick to make it, too poor to get transportation. It’s devastating to think like that.